You made me cry and you don't even care
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
