I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
