she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you would pick up someone in the library
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
