Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
