Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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