I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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