so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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