I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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