matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
