haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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