I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize