My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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