Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
