Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
