I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize
