Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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