new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
