why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
