you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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