I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
