I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
