Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
