The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
These tits shall not be calmed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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