anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
