He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
