I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
