Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
