I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
