my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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