I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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