I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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