I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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