Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
