I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
