First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
