I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
