he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
