No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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