he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
