"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
