do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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