I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
