she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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