i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize