She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
