there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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