Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
