and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
