I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
