you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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