The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
