I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
