Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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