Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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