Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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