I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
