Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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