I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
