I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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