4 words: hood of his car
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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