I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
