Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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