i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It's just like the Real World with babies
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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