The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
