genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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