I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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