I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize