Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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