I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
