I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
