Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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