I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
