How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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