Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We smell like vodka and hangover
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
