My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize