Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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