When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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