I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
