did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
