The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
